"The truth is, goddesses are lousy in bed.
They will do anything it’s true.
And the skin is beautifully cared for.
But they have no sense of it. They are
all manner and amazing technique.
I lie with them thinking of your
foolish excesses, of you panting
and sweating, and your eyes after."
— Jack Gilbert, Dreaming at the Ballet
(image and other contributions by Simon J. Fuchs)
It has come to my attention that there is a new mobile, media device that just came out, the iPad. From the buzz, it seems like it’s kind of a big deal, you know, like Ron Burgundy or laser pointer pens. All sorts of people are on the band wagon and it looks like fun. I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna get on it too.
Clearly, the iPad has the potential to impact nearly every facet of human existence. To the growing list of grand prognostications I humbly submit the following: the iPad will revolutionize your intimate relations. In addition to killing the kindle, saving the newspaper business and ushering in a new age of digital enlightenment, the iPad will transform your love making:
- Its anywhere connectivity allows you tweet ambiguously in the moments leading up to the task at hand: “getting ready to rock the boat”.
- Its slim profile empowers you to bring multi-media resources into your intimate life as it can be enjoyed at any angle. (Did someone say “Kama Sutra” e-Book?)
- In the case of an embarrassing mid-encounter mishap (like your mom calling) it keeps your partner engaged (watching the latest Lady Gaga video and updating fb status to “I’m waiting…”) while you collect yourself.
- It provides a cancer-and-intimacy-free alternative to post-encounter routines like smoking or pillow talk. (Place under the pillows for easy access.)
- Its long battery life allows you to choose when the moment is right.
The possible use-cases for the iPad are limited only by your imagination, and the daring of your partner. Care to add to this list?
I have a friend who always seems to be in a good place. I asked him what he does to live with such joy. He suggested, among other things, “Try walking into a store and buying a pint of Cherry Garcia ice-cream, a box of condoms and a bottle of Jack. Make sure to smile, look people in the eye, and say hello. Do not be ashamed. You will make yours and everybody else’s day more remarkable.”
On a somewhat related note, I was in a CVS the other day and noticed that condoms are in the “Family Planning” isle. While “family planning” may be a good overarching title (euphemism really) for a set of reproduction related goods and services, it’s kind of a bizarre and misleading way to talk about condoms, which are really mostly used for the unplanned. Have you ever heard anybody say, “Amie, I really like you. How about we go back to my place and plan a family.” ?